Worry Wanda

In the midst of the COVID pandemic, I grew anxious when my throat hurt on the morning before Thanksgiving.  That night I found myself unable to breathe deeply in the middle of the night.  In my attempts to continually calm my anxiety, I dreamed about showing my mother how to belly breathe.

I realized the next morning while listening to a masterclass* on anxiety in children, that I had never allowed myself to fully encounter my anxiety, my worry.  I realized that in order to help my daughter with anxiety, I needed to face mine head on.  Knowing that anxiety is not a bad feeling to brush off and avoid, I decided to dive in and see what my worry looked like.  I turned off the masterclass, and closed my eyes.

Worry Wanda was a shadowy figure, but instead of being scary, she held me and let me share all of my worries with her.  What if I get COVID and can’t manage my already overwhelming life?  What if my family gets COVID?  What if my parents get COVID?  What if I lose precious time with my parents while not seeing them due to COVID?  What if …. What if…. What if my kids don’t learn enough through homeschooling this year?  What if I can’t figure out how to work with my daughter’s anxiety?  What if my marriage struggles?  What if…. What if….  

I let it all flow out and felt held by the knowing arms of Worry Wanda who understood what it was like to feel worry.  She just kept saying, “I know” and “It’s okay” and just let me cry and spew all of my what ifs.  When I felt I had cried it all out, I felt a wave of relief.  I know it is not all gone. Worry will show up again. However, instead of fearing Worry Wanda, I know she is there to hold me through the pain and give me a place to let down my guard and let it all out.

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*Masterclass was through Go Zen! with Renee Jain